Family effect on relationships
Last night, my dad skyped me online to check up on how I was doing. I haven’t talked to my dad in weeks. He’s currently in Singapore and Malaysia working on healthcare technology and investing in small businesses. I’ve always been amazed at my dad’s ability to keep himself busy with all his ventures. He never stops trying new things and every time he builds something new, there’s this spark in his personality that inspires me to never stop doing what I love. The most integral part of my dad’s personality that has really evolved in me is his attention span. It’s really funny talking to him at times because he has the most spontaneous and short attention span I’ve ever seen. I think this is probably why he can never just stick with one thing. Besides listening to my mom, my dad is horrible at paying clear attention to something for longer than 5 minutes. Our conversations will literally cover 10 subjects in a matter of 30 minutes. We went from my projects, to my job, to my personal/love life, to my brother, and so on. This personality trait can be seen both as an advantage and disadvantage to me.
People always point out that I tend to remember the most random facts of previous conversations. I wouldn’t say I’m a horrible listener; I just have this problem where I tend to only remember what I choose to remember. When someone talks to me, I will listen, but if I start getting bored, I will literally “cliff note” what the person is saying and ignore the rest. My mind wanders way too much and it’s hard for me to focus on one thing for a long period of time. This is why I’m a chronic doodler as well as a horrible student. This has also gotten me in trouble with girls. I’d say that my biggest faults when it comes to relationships both involve my horrible memory. I forget things quickly and sometimes I don’t look like I’m listening cause I get bored easily.
My mom and I talk everyday. We talk about everything and I have a very close relationship with her. My mom has never told me how to live my life; she raised me with very simple values that she grew up with. I definitely have sympathy for her since she has to put up with a lot between my Dad and me because we are notorious bullshitters. When you get my dad and me in a car with her, I can see her roll her eyes at everything we say. But she shouldn’t complain. My dad’s horrible memory has managed to get her to be unemployed most of her life and build a Chanel handbag museum in her closet. The one thing I’d say that make my mom and I really close is our overarching dedication to our friends. Till this day, my mom still hangs out with the same group of girlfriends she grew up with since she was in high school. It’s incredible to see how close they are and they still go on annual vacations together. This is something that has transferred into my life as well and I continue to try my best to be as selfless as possible with my friends.
It was nice catching up with both of them until they asked me whether or not I had a girlfriend yet. I quickly replied, “Yet? What is that supposed to mean?” My parents have never encouraged me to have a love life. They’ve always commented that I was just having fun whenever I had a girlfriend and never really took my relationships seriously. In return, I’ve never treated them seriously around them. My last girlfriend was the first girlfriend I brought to dinner with my parents. I’m just not that guy that really integrates someone in my family unless I know there’s an inevitable long term effect. I always notice that once you integrate with their family, it started getting totally weird. Like I have friends that used to hang out with their sig other’s parents….even without their sig other! That’s fucking crazy. My ideal situation is the meet a girl somewhere where both of us are transplants. Once we decide to get married, or at least possibly engaged, I will then meet the parents. I obviously told them that nothing was happening in my life but at the same time, I reinforced that I wasn’t looking either. There was no pressure on their part, but since my Dad loves children, I could sense that he was itching till the day he could play with grandchildren. Talk about frightening. I’m not going to lie, I also look forward to that day way down the road when I cant wait to see my parents play with my future children, but I’m also not ready to hear them ask me that question.
The more I thought about it, the traits that I’ve inherited from my parents have almost halted me in building relationships. My dads chronic ambition mixed with my mom’s constant need to be around her friends are two of the top reasons why I can’t hold a relationship for very long. Whenever I had a girlfriend my parent’s lack of interest in them also pushed me further away from real commitment. They’ve basically prepared me to fail. I don’t know how they managed to pull through. I’ve noticed that even though they are both very different people, they’ve managed to find one thing that binds them together strong enough that it outweighs their differences. Whatever that is, it’s something I’m willing to wait for- and it can’t just be similar interests.
It’s hard to not be the prototype your parents make yourself out to be. Unfortunately, I’m not ready to change yet.
