Hey guys, don’t forget about me – I’m an Ox too! It’s my year, bitches.

I have to admit that 2008 was pretty wack. I dated (and eventually broke up with) a pretty wack-ass guy in Q1, met Shoes (who was also pretty wack) in Q3, and decided that Shoes wasn’t very wack at all in Q4.

Post-mortem for 2008:

Stop:

• Spending money on clothes
• Being moody
• Overworking

Start:

• Chilling more, and rewarding myself for my hard work (in economically-sensible ways)
• Actually saving money
• Doing yoga
• Calling my parents to say “hello” as opposed to calling for $$ – especially since I’m an adult that makes enough to support herself, which goes back to not spending any more money on shoes
• Taking the time to actually read books

Continue:

• Using this blog as a release for whatever’s bugging me at the moment
• Drinking and partying – I’m only 23 once!
• Visiting my family at least once a month

I spent the last 2 weeks making my boyfriend grovel, much to my friends’ amusement/dismay. To make a long story short, his behavior during the time that we casually dated was on par with his frat boy days in college – and he wasn’t honest to me about it.

When we decided to date exclusively, I told him about my wild partying in New York, my dates, prospects, etc – basically, all the unsavory things I did. His response was, “Oh, I was too busy applying to grad school to get into any of those things.” LIES! Anyway, he came clean about his whoring ways and after making him miserable for two weeks, we’re perfectly fine again. I mean – perfectly fine, but he needs to stop spending 70% of his nights at my apartment. Sometimes, I just want to sleep alone.

I took Friday off from work, and he took me to Carmel for a picnic on the beach. It was perfect. Oh – did I mention that we dropped the “L” word, finally? Oh yes we did. He also met my parents this weekend, and I’ll spare the DBGness, but they love him. I mean, I love him too, but like I said, I like to sleep alone sometimes.

I’m in a pretty funky mood nowadays. I think I want to leave San Francisco in exactly a year, after my lease is up. Where to next? Chicago. I emailed my mom about it, and she freaked out. I emailed Shoes about it, and he responded with “=(“. He came over last night to cook me dinner, and to also convince me to be more rational and that I’m just bored today, and that I’ll change my mind tomorrow. Not a chance, buddy. I’ve had my mind made up since Saturday that I’m moving to Chicago in Q1 of next year.

Not to be a selfish little brat, but I don’t really care if my family or boyfriend is sad about me moving. I’ll be 24 next year, which basically means that I have another 6 years to screw around and be selfish before I have to settle down and start thinking about popping out babies.

Why Chicago, you ask? Only because I want to be in a city where I don’t need a car that isn’t San Francisco (because I know that ultimately, I want to settle down here) and isn’t New York (the PR/advertising scene in NY majorly BLOWS). Also, why NOT? The rent is cheap, and I’ll make the same amount that I would in SF. Not so shabby, if you ask me. The only setback is that I’ve a.) never been to Chicago, and am deciding this impulsively b.) hate cold weather. I mean, to be fair, I have “life-changing epiphanies” every time I’m on my period, half of which never come to life. Come on. Sub-zero temperature? I don’t even own a decent coat.

I don’t know if it’s me, or if it’s because I’m 23 and a half and feeling like I have a good 5.5 years to fuck around before I have to settle down, but I am BORED and ANXIOUS. I am restless beyond belief. I don’t do anything but work and hang out with my boyfriend. My friends either work strange hours so that I never see them, or they’ve become girls whose lives revolve around their boyfriends. I AM NOT ONE OF THEM. I work insane hours, but I am down to get wasted on a Tuesday night, if the opportunity arrises. I have no choice but to hang out with my boyfriend at all times because my girlfriends are riffraffs. This time around, my greatest fear is that I’ll be one of those girls that can’t do a thing without their boyfriend. I seem like that from the outside because I have no choice – I ain’t got anyone else to hang out with! And I hate that girls with boyfriends usually think that their wild partying days are over – I still like to get trashed, whether with or without my boyfriend.

To be honest, I think I’m depressed – in a silly way, not a serious way. Or maybe the correct word is that I’m unsatisfied. I have a great job, fantastic guy friends (my girlfriends are on probation for being MIA since 2009 started), a wonderful family and a boyfriend that loves me and that I love back, but I am hopelessly bored out of my fucking mind!

Somebody make some sense out of this madness for me, please? I am boooored!

happy new year, game on time

happy chinese new year all!  i decided this would be a good point to get back into blogging.  hope to share some funny stories with you all.  i’m on the same page with calvin, as in, we’re both oxes, and we’re still single.  all that basically means to me is game on.

my students always come in and ask me if i have a girlfriend.  i always tell them no, and then explain why its better to be single.  i don’t have any commitments, i can do whatever i want on the weekends, and i can date/hook up with whomever i want.  good times.  my students always want to be in a relationship, but all i see in high school are these emo boys and girls who cry every other day because they break up, and then get together again.  relationships when you are older are a bit different, but more or less similar if you get stuck with a needy girl.  i’ll wait until i find that perfect girl, then settle down.

this weekend was cool.  went out briefly on friday night, chatted it up with some people, met this girl that i thought was cute.  instead of just going for it and asking for her number, i decided to go a different route and asked to trade business cards.  who the heck says that?  me, apparently, and i neglected to remember that she just told me she quit her job half a year ago.  owned.  she gave me her name, told me to facebook her.  friend requested saturday afternoon, still not friends.  def just a weak play. no dice.

decided that i needed to redeem myself on saturday night.  my boy fred called me up and asked if i wanted to roll with him to this party.  this girl i had met a year ago and never got to contact was going to be there, and this would be the perfect opportunity to make a move.  so we roll out to this bar out in arcadia (hella asian town), and this place looks mad ghetto from the outside.  however, we get in, and it was halfway decent.  got there pretty early, so it was just time to drink up.  definitely had a lot to drink on saturday night.  i alternated between grey goose tonics and shots of patron, killing at least 4 shots of tequila and 5 grey goose tonics by the end of the night.  anyways, midway into the night, we meet up with this girl… and i start chatting it up with her.  basically catch up with her on what was going on this last year, find out she’s going to be starting work soon.  perfect, she just graduated in june, was pretty cute, and was looking to become a dentist.  income earning potential, done deal.  chatted with her on and off for a bit throughout the night, until we were about to leave.  time to make a move.  went up to her, basically just asked her for her number.  got her number and was like, boom, game on.  decided to ask her if i could give her a call later in the week, and she replied with something like “it might be awkward.”  actually, i’m not completley sure if she really said that because i was 9 drinks in, but who cares right? i don’t.

anyways, going to holler at this girl on tuesday.  perfect 2 day break.  a bit of small chit chat, then asking her to dinner this weekend.  boom.  will let you know if i land this date or not.

God, where do I even start? (Super fucking long post, sorry)

I’m so glad to finally have a few minutes to sit down and type about what’s been going on lately.  It’s been a clusterfuck.  The start of 2009 is definitely pure ownage for me.  Hate to get too fobby here, but it’s the year of the OX.  That’s my year.  My family goes to the temple every year during Chinese New Years to thank the Gods for “protecting” us the previous year.  It’s pretty neat in a mythological kinda way but I try not to get too into it.  My grandma is all about fucking superstition and horoscopes so she does a reading for me.  Next thing you know, my Mom sends me a fucking red envelope (NO MONEY inside btw) and tells me to keep it in my wallet throughout this year for good luck.  Who knows, but I can tell you, it’s not fucking working.  Either way, I did some research cause it got me intrigued and realized that this year is not friendly to “change.”

Before I got on the plane to head to LA this past MLK weekend, I sat next to a kind girl (about a 6.5) that was pretty funny and interesting to talk to.  We chatted a bit in our pursuit to find everyway not to allow someone to take the middle seat.  It was successful so she plopped several trash mags in the middle.  Of course, being all into Hollywood gossip, I picked one up and started to read, or look at pictures.  I went to the horoscope section and it said something in the lines of “You seem to only look at the strengths of someone and avoid their weaknesses/ Stay financially responsible.”  I’m paraphrasing.  Usually, I think horoscopes are all in good fun, but this was slightly accurate.  It made me think for a second.  This is what I always do when I meet girls.  If i’m not immediately attracted to them, I try to convince myself by only looking at their strengths and avoiding their weaknesses.  I don’t exactly know what I do that, but either way, it’s been quite the pattern.

I landed in LA at around 9:15 pm and headed over for some Korean BBQ action with my close friends.  It was incredible.  We laughed, talked, joked around and made fun of people.  All of this in a t shirt and jeans in January.  You have no idea where I just came from.  We’re talking -14 degrees!  I was in heaven at this point.  The food was great.  The next day we went to meet up some friends of Joe at the Fox movie lot where we watched Marley and Me.  That movie was so fucking lame.  The dog dies by the way.  Of course, everyone and their fucking moms were bawling and crying all dramatically like they’ve never seen a dog die before.  You already know how I feel about dogs from my previous puppy post.  I feel like dogs can sense dislike.  Whenever I am around them they bark at me.  Fair enough, I welcome it.

After I pretty much laughed through the ending, I met Joe’s friend’s friend, an Italian girl that currently lives in LA.  Joe had told me about her briefly and I had already facebook stalked (or attempted) to by looking up her pictures.  She was not bad.  I had a slight interest in her face and style.  I was attracted to her.  When I finally saw her, I wasn’t blown away, but intrigued.  She had nice hair and an above average face.  I thought to myself, okay..I can work with this.  It was very obvious at that point that Joe’s friend was trying to set us up.  I didn’t see the point at first because I live in Chicago.  There’s no outlook for this.  But I played along.

While the girls got ready before our night out, Joe and I spent time at Border’s doing some work.  We met up with the girls and they looked great.  It’s been awhile since I have been on a “double  date” like situation.  I enjoyed it.  I love seeing a girl in a nice dress and looking clean.  We headed over to some crepe place that was pretty mediocre.  I could care less.  My plan was to get to know Italy and see what sparks up.  She was easy to talk to.  I learned a lot and we talked quite alot and got to know each other.  After dinner we headed over to Blvd. 3 to get plastered.  As soon as we got there, I ordered 4 patron shots.  Done deal.  You gotta start it off warm you know what I mean?  Someone’s gotta take charge.  I’ll tell you right now, it always works.  So we take a shot and I get excited.  I’m like, let’s do another.  So we do another shot, and then we get 4 drinks to sip on.  It was perfect timing.  The club was barely full and we had enough space to order drinks and sit in a booth.

While sitting in the booth, we got cozy.  We continue to talk and get slightly buzzed while I made sure her drink was never empty.  She was reserved though.  She didn’t drink too quickly, which was smart, and I tried to stay pretty good.  I knew after this drink, i’d switch to beer to really let things ride out and not do anything retarded.  During this time, Joe, on the other hand was getting hammered with his friend.  I was getting slightly worried, but knowing from experience that Joe can kinda handle his alcohol.  At this point, I was wrong.  A few hours into the night, we decided to go dance and this is where I had to make it clear that I wanted her.  We danced closely and it got intimate.  We went back to the booth and started talking again.  She got really personal “So, what’s your personal life like?”  I like this girl already. Straight to the point.  Before I could get a few words in she literally went toward my face and started making out with me.  I couldn’t believe it.  Mixed Signals pulled this on me as well.  I love this.  The more I don’t try and anything and be the nicest guy, the better the chance they make the first move?  This was bizarre and unrealistic.  Fuck it, I went for it.  We had a few makeout sessions until I got to the point where I knew this was going somewhere good.  I was ready to bounce out of the club.  I was dunzo.

But where was Joe?  I couldn’t find that guy or his friend.  I franticaly looked all over the place and I finally caught him wasted and wobbling around.  FUCK!  I grabbed Joe and said, “Dude, you better not F this up for me!”  Joe kindly nodded but I’m sure he had no idea what I said.  So at this point, I was worried.  There was a legit 50/50 chance I was not going to go home with her.  After about 20 minutes we found his friend and we were on our way out.  We get back and Joe is ready to yack.  Owned. Owned Owned.  I realized at this point, I was at a serious crossroads.  Do I a) fuck joe and hang out with the girl, or b) take care of joe.  I realized at this point that my karma was going to set in and I had better do the right thing.  So I went ahead and took care of my friend.  I rubbed his back, told him to force out his puke and basically did the equiv. of a girl holding her friends hair back.  I did everything I could while swearing repeadetly at him for fucking me over.  It was beautiful.  Once he finished his yackfest, I went back to her place and it was clear that it was over.  It was clear.  I dropped my head in total defeat and we left to his friends house to get our car.  The whole ride there, I did what I do whenever I share an impromptu intimate moment with a girl, I held her hand and put my arms around her as if we have been dating for quite awhile.  It’s the weirdest thing to experience, but for some reason, sometimes it feels right.  Have we went on a date yet? No.  We literally met 5 hours ago and now we’re in the backseat in a position as if we have been dating for 5 months.  Oh well, roll with the punches.

We get to Joe’s friends house and I was ready to go home.  I was over it.  I wasn’t going to get shit.  So we headed back while I continued to yell at Joe and called him Marley because he kept sticking his face out the window like a dog to puke.  Good times.  What are friends for, right?

The next day we woke up and met the girls up for brunch at Sidestreet.  We laughed, talked, and enjoyed the good food.  It was quite nice actually.  Me and Italy were good on the convo and nothing was weird.  We went to the beach after that it was great times.  I started to realize 2 things: I wanted to be in California again and I wanted to get with this girl.  It was weird and uncomfortable.  I am commitment fobe, but around her, I enjoyed it.  She was smart, pretty, and smart.  I meant to say it twice.  She was a smart smart girl.  It was a nice change.

I flew back the next day realizing that I was ready for change.  This was going against my horoscope for the year, but I felt the change that needed to be made.  I had to move.  I’d like to clarify that I didn’t think about this because of her.  She would be a great value add to the situation, but it was bigger than that.  I needed to do this for myself.  I feel like I have reached the pinnacle of my time here in Chicago.  I want to be somewhere new, not a city.  It’s weird to say that right now, but I don’t want to be in a city.  I thought a few years ago that I could only survive in a city, but this time, I want change.  The flight back to Chicago made me ponder on what was next.  I landed, put back 4 layers of clothes and suffered my way back to my condo thinking to myself, I am sooo over this shit.

The week started rough.  I wasn’t happy at my job to be honest.  I have been pushed with more responsibilities and having to lead projects that i’m clearly not qualified for.  The good news is that I manage to pull it off.  The bad news is that I have to stay at work late everyday.  I saw Mixed Signals the next day and I didn’t feel much.  She was still standing tall, beautiful brown hair, and long legs, but I didn’t feel much.  I knew that she wouldn’t challenge me as much as I wanted.  I was slightly over the games we’ve been playing with each other and I knew it was only a matter of time before we would drift apart.  I was tired of making the first move.  I walked to my bff at work, Tiffany’s cube to talk about my weekend and she could see that I wanted out.  She knew right away that it was time for me to move somewhere I feel more at home.

So where am I at now?  I’m back to the first base.  On Friday, we had a going away party for Kim who’s moving to NY.  I envied her courage to get out.  I was hoping in the back of my head i’d be next.  I saw MS sitting in the booth and went over to chat.  The spark wasn’t really there anymore for us.  It was slightly disappointing.  I don’t think she knows what she wants.  She likes me, but I don’t think she’s ready.  Neither am I.  I didn’t want to pursue anything further.  We had set up a date and postponed it again.  I haven’t felt this confused in awhile.  Where do I go from here?  How am I going to manage to get back to the west coast?  Everything’s on the table now and it’s just a matter of time.

Weekly Update

Man has it been a rough week.  I think I caught a cold but I’m doing everything in my power to fight it.  I hate getting sick.  It’s not something I can ever get used to.   Whenever I get sick, I have problems sleeping which then causes me to think about really irelevant things.  I’m also one of those people that don’t like people taking care of me when I get sick.  I think I mentioned before that if I had a girlfriend, I’d want her to stay far away from me when I’m sick cause I hate it when people are around me.

Work has been rough this week.  All of sudden, Kraft has decided to advertise all of their cheese products.  Kill me now.  I never realized how badly I want to be a Mr. Mom when I grow up.  I want to marry rich.  I want to marry a rich heir to a throne and have no responsibilities except for taking care of kids, cooking, and going grocery shopping.  That is my new dream and goal in life. 

So I also had quite a rough weekend as well.  I didn’t get the amount of sleep I was hoping for.  On friday after work, I get a message from Mixed Signals “Happy Hour?”  Fuck it, why not.  We haven’t talked all week.  We get to Rock Bottom with several other work peeps.  I chat with her for a bit but I let her do her thing.  That’s the thing about me.  I hate crowding people.  I’m also not really the jealous type, so I don’t mind if it someone i’m interested in ends up working the crowd most of the time.  My buddy Melvin bought me a patron shot.  Fuuuck.  We already know how this is going to go.  We take a shot and start playing pool.  I didn’t eat dinner either so I knew this wasn’t good.  I then bought an appt plate for some friends and ate like 2 eggrolls and a fried zuccini.  I gotta stop being so selfless.  Then we ordered a few pitchers and the night continued.  MS (Mixed Signals) started to talk to some other guys that night and I could really care less.  Like I said, I hate crowding people.  We then ended up going to another bar.  I was very apprehensive at first to go, but I always know that MS is feeling it when she’ll convince me to go to the next bar.  Usually, girls will just let you go, but she insists I make the next move.  At this point, we are both slightly liquored up and we head to Sedgwicks for someone’s bday.  I get there and the flirting starts.  First, she grabs my beanie and wears it.  Then she grabs my mac n cheese and eats it.  Okay, I’d done deal now.  I then started to work the crowd and not hang around her too much.  Near the end of the night, we started a dance party at the bar.  Then I decided it was time to leave.  I got my coat and she asked me to get hers.  I move toward her and I put my coat on a seat and she guards it for me.  Next thing you know, we’re both outside waiting for a cab.  I knew what was going to happen next.

I look at her, “Is this going to be another one of those nights?”  She looks back, slaps my cap in response to my sarcasm, and says “yea we can have another sleepover.”  I think, “Money.”  So we get to her place.  Her roommates are gone.  Sweet.  As soon as I get in bed, her roommate barges in with some guy and they manage to jump on her bed and tell us everything that happened that night.  FUCK! Owned!  They talk for what seems to be hours while I’m thinking, Shut The Fuck Up.  Finally, they leave but at this point I was fucking exhausted.  Fuck it, not tonight.  I was actually not really feeling it, and lost my buzz.  I lay down, and she gets next to me, grabs my arm and lays her head on my shoulder.  5 seconds go by and we both pass the fuck out.  I woke up the next morning and we read the RedEye newspaper and chatted a bit.  I asked her if she wanted to go grab grub sometime and she agreed.

This is so unhealthy and going nowhere.  I’m so confused.  I left thinking to myself, what the fuck am I doing?  Talk about a total mindfuck.  I have never been so confused about my love life.   I am not a player.  It’s not like I have several of these girls on the side that I spend time/ sleep over with.  MS is the only one i’m working with right now.  I’ve never been with someone who has equally avoided commitment as much as I have.  This is a first, and it’s fucking weird.

The next night I went out with friends to a bar to have some drinks.  It was a lesbian bar on the weekdays and I guess a total lame bar on the weekends.  A bevy of overweight and unattractive women crowded the area and I was about over it.  After that, I met up with my friend Shannon who was eager to have me come over to her housewarming to meet her roommate who had a slight interest in me.  She was alrite, but nothing special.  She was very normal.  Normal enough that it made MS look much more appealing.  MS is pretty normal too, but she is also vulgar, funny, and has a laugh that makes you think you’re actually funny.  This girl was just there.  We chatted for a bit, and I was about ready to go home.  I looked at Alfredo and Anthony and we went ahead and took a cab back to my place.

I woke up on Sunday being happy that I finally had a day to myself to work on my projects, sing in the shower, and walk around in my boxers in clear daylight.  It was nice. 

I’m going to LA this weekend.  I’m excited to go to see my friends and be in the warm weather.   I’m also looking forward to it because Joe’s friend’s friend is pretty hot and I will get to meet her.  This is good news for me.  I hope nothing actually happens because I live in Chicago and she lives in LA, but it’s always nice to creat what if’s.  MS will probably just be here all the time.  I don’t know where we stand, how to move forward, etc.  But, I watched an episode of the City last night and they didnt get together until 3 months of dating.  I figure, considering the fact of how real an MTV docudrama is, I’m not doing too bad.

you totally suck right now

I slept for 20 hours today. I am pretty upset. I also slapped my boyfriend twice this evening. I’m much smaller than he is, so I’m sure it didn’t hurt. I’m not a violent person, but I assure you – he deserved it.

FYI – we never fight. We squabble about me being late, or him wanting to play video games, but for the most part, we have a very loving, functional relationship.

I know I’m not perfect, but I try my best to be honest about all the skeletons I have in my closet to whoever I’m with. And when the word “love” is being thrown around, I expect the same from my significant other.

Everyone is multidimensional. The way you behave around your friends is rarely the way you behave around your significant others, colleagues, family, etc. And everyone’s multidimensional behavior is situational. People behave differently when they’re in a relationship and when they’re single. I think that reasonable, functional people understand this.

And I’m really sleepy, so I’ll continue this entry tomorrow.

An update from a not-so-single 20-something living in SF

I guess since Calvin did a blog entry, I should give you all the 411 on my life as of late.

First off, I moved into San Francisco. I love it, a LOT. I don’t drive anymore, and I never thought I’d say this, but I LOVE public transportation. Except for the  bums in the middle of the night. Not so cool. I’m also in a legitimate relationship with Shoes. I say “legitimate” because, when you announce it on Facebook, you know that shit is fo-real. He lives with me 4 nights out of the week, and I adore him so much that I don’t mind that the crap he leaves over takes up a whole section of my closet. We’re still in the beginning stages where we’re obsessed with discovering things about each other, so we light candles in my room and talk until 3 AM. This would be normal in any other case, but remember that I used to hate him and blogged about how lame he was for about 4 months. If there’s anything I’ve learned, it’s that he is a completely different person that who I thought he was when we first started dating. My only issue with him is that he thinks having sex once every time we see each other is too little. He also thinks we have no privacy because I immediately blog/Twitter/Facebook status everything we do. He is totally going to get pissed about me telling the blogosphere about his sex drive. Oh well.

Anyway, on to the fun stuff. I’m on a business trip in Vegas (god, I’ve come to hate this place so much) and last night, I saw two girls having sex in a club. Nice, huh?

Man – I tried to write a fun blog entry, but now, I just realized how freaking lame I’ve become since I started a serious relationship.

 

Peace out

Really overdue long post

Being the only single person on this blog right now, it goes to show that the blog was only therapeutically effective for 3/4 of the group.  What an ineffective lab experience this was.  Oh well, you win some and lose some, right?

I decided to post an entry today, not so much to re-live what was never successful, but in a way to reflect on the progress (or lack thereof) of my personal/love life.  I can tell you right now, I just got back from a long vacation home that never in my life made me feel more single and miserable.  I wouldn’t say miserable, but let’s use “slightly lonely.”  Even much so, that I managed to wear, as Chow calls it “Lonely Goggles.”  The past week home was a time of reflection and realization.  My friends, whom I have loved and adored for many years of my childhood and pre-professional life, reminded me of how lucky I am to have such close confidants.  My family reminded me that no matter what happens to me, I will always have a strong support system and a clear moral ground.  My parents have not changed yet; mom is still over-reactive, paranoid, and annoying, while my dad stays calm but consistently ambitious to live the life he once lived 30 years ago.  I admire that about both of them.  25+ years of marriage and still best friends for life.

I, however, have never felt more happy for my friends; in a bittersweet sort of way.  The majority of my friends, whom I’ve grown up with since I was 12, and some at the age of 8, have significant others who they love enormously.  I’m talking about the love where they travel together, the kind where one sacrifices their time for the other, the unselfish kind where one will pay a full lunch for her bf’s friends, the kind where one will try everything they can to impress their friends and make their gf look good.  I’m talking about the selfless, mature, and forward thinking kind of love.  I envy them and their comfortable, consistent lives.  I envy their settling nature.  Things have changed, and I’ve noticed, hence, being 11th wheel at a movie theatre definetly makes you realize what true ownage is. 

The downside of this was that I felt out of place.  Not so much with my friends, but out of place in my life.  People say, these are your young years, date, have fun, go out.  These things are only applicable to people who are 1) very good looking, 2)rich, and 3)have aggressive, outgoing personalities.  I carry close to none of these traits.  So let’s throw that concept out the window.  In terms of settling in a serious relationship, i’ve realized the majority of my bad luck comes from how picky I am.  I am very picky and I hate that.  However, what I’ve realized is that the last thing I want to do is to waste a heartbreak with someone i’m not 100% about.

Wasting a heartbreak is the worst thing ever.  Heartbreaks suck.  I’ve gotten my heartbroken officially 2 times in my life.  I won’t get into the details on that.  Either way, I feel like I need to be sure about someone before I take the big dive.  The consequences that come out of a failed relationship are horrible.  This week has been interesting.  Coming back to Chicago has been bittersweet.  I’ve never come back to Chicago calling it home until the day before I was ready to fly back to the windy city.  I packed and realized, things are different now.  So much so, we spent Tahoe sober.  Things are definitely different.  Beyond that, my lonely goggles put myself in a comprimising position during New Years.  I hooked up with a girl after realizing that paying $83 and being completely without a date was not going to be worth my time.  I started dancing with a girl that I knew at first was ugly, but totally easy.  We ended up hooking up a bit and then we walked outside to the arena to chat.  I then got a clear viewing of her mug and boy, did I fuck up.  It made realize at that point that I have sunk low.  Low to the point where puking tequila an hour ago seemed more appealing then continuing a conversation with this woman.  Things were not good.  I wanted to go back to Chicago.

I had went on a date with Mixed Signals the day before I flew back home to Nor Cal.  It was a great date.  Everything went as planned (except for the part where you pull their chair out, the damn waitress was in the way).  We had talked a few times while laying in bed together after a drunken night that it was time we went out on a date.  This date was perfect.  I had everything ready and if dates were graded, I’d get an A.  However, we left things open.  We still managed to leave things up in the air.  She told me she did not want an interoffice relationship.  I agreed.  I’d like to avoid anything that links my career to my relationship.  However, where does that put us?  If we aren’t shooting for a relationship, what exactly are we going for? 

When you’re single, the last thing you ever want to do is to take things fast.  You think to yourself, let’s take this one slow, let’s weigh things out.  As soon as things get slow, you want them to be fast.  You want to define things and give explanations behind actions.  It’s annoying as fuck.  So when we were taking things slow, I wanted to speed it up.  So now, we’re in a lame duck session.  Should I ask her out on another date?  Why would I drop money on a girl who isn’t interested in a relationship?  If anything, right now is the time to save money. 

I got back to work on Friday, and we talked online for a bit.  It was nice to chat again.  I then asked her if she wasnt busy this weekend to give me a call so we can go out again.  She said she had to go home for a bit but would call me if she came back early.  She never called.  I’m thinking to myself, it’s done.  But everytime I thought it was “done,” we would get back into the groove again.  This is extremely frustrating to me.  It’s times like this I hate to be single.

But then I thought about it.  Why waste a possible heartbreak over someone I’m wishy-washy about?  It’s totally not worth it.  If i’m going to get owned, she better be everything I want.  She better be Ashley Judd minus 15 years.  I should be able to stare at her everyday and think to myself how lucky I am to have her.  I want that feeling.  I want her to be able to look beautiful yet still watch Frost/Nixon and Milk with me because she wants to be interested in things I am interested in.  I want that kind of relationship.  It sounds impossible, but I feel like it’s there.  I think i’m over-reacting though, but it’s a weird time in my life right now.  I don’t exactly know what direction to go.  My life is stable, but my personal life is filled with many questions unanswered.

This is probably by far, my most emo post ever.  Sorry.

I hate puppies

I hate puppies.  I think puppies are dumb.  I can look at them and think to myself, “aww that’s kinda cute,” for probably a total of 3 seconds before I can care less if they run away or end up on a street vendor skewer in Korea.  Today, I got to work with several of my peers crowded around a co-workers cube looking at pictures of her new puppy that she got with her boyfriend.  Was it a baby? No.  Was it a new car?  No. It was a fucking puppy.  People, get over yourselves.  I hate it when couples try to “test” their relationship with a puppy to see if they can raise a child.  A puppy is far different than a child.  You don’t teach your puppy multiplication tables.  You don’t teach your puppy how to ride a bike.  You don’t slap your kid with a rolled up newspaper (i’d prefer belt or hanger).  Kids and puppies could not be more different.  If you really want practice, adopt a child.  Sponsor an African baby.  Either way, do something that actually postively effects a life.  A puppy will be bought, don’t worry about it.  We have enough obsessed people out there that couldn’t let go of their stuffed animal till they were 14.  My co-worker missed 3 days of work to take care of her new puppy.  That’s the dumbest thing ever.  Another co-worker of mine goes home during lunch to walk her puppy.  Are you serious?  Why would you sacrifice any time in your daily schedule to walk an animal.  That is the most ridiculous thing ever.  What does that puppy do for you?  It shits everywhere, runs around crazy, breaks your shit, scares your friends, wakes up your neighbors, and causes you spend hundreds on shitty food each month.  Puppies are useless and provide no potential whatsoever.  What, do you not have enough in your life to worry about?  More importantly, when you want to go on vacation, you can’t leave it at home.  Why?  Because it’s completely inefficient and reliant on its owner.  Does it ever grow up like human beings and become independent?  No.  It just stays as a waste of space for the rest of its life.  You have kids in Africa eating “Dirt Pancakes,” and people here are taking care of useless puppies everyday.  It’s a sad sad world.  Nothing, however, is worst than a picture of your puppy on your desktop.  Kill me now.