Life in limbo

I’m pissed.  I usually reserve my Monday nights before I pass out to illegally stream the previous Entourage episode.  You can imagine how angry I am when I’m met with the news that no new Entourage episode aired on Sunday.  What a bummer.  Now I can’t sleep.  This past labor day weekend allowed me to catch up on a lot of sleep.  I didn’t get hammered this weekend.  It’s a weird feeling when a day that’s meant to be a buffer day turns out to be normal.  I just end up going to ClubSport and kill time with a few laps in the pool and laying out in the sun sometimes feeling slightly uncomfortable because I really shouldn’t be feeling like I’m on vacation 24/7.

I haven’t posted at all since I moved back.  I needed a break from everything and it’s been 4 solid months before I finally got the itch.  I’m working on my “public” blog right now but honestly, blogging is hard to do when you’re not being honest.  A blogger tends to have no shame and enjoy showboating their knowledge to the public.  I’m the total opposite.  I just like to blog when real things happen to me which unfortunately always include something very un-PC and laced with person and bizarre stories.  This is why I like this blog.  I know my identity isn’t hidden well but it feels less official to me.  That way, I can treat it like a real journal without all the censoring crap added with a sense of insecurity.  We’ll see how that public blog goes, but to be honest, I’m not going to beat around the bush and try to make something that isn’t going to work in the long run.

These past few months have been a mix of self reflection, slight detox (although I feel like I’ve been drinking more here than in Chicago), and an overall personal vacation.  Being back in the bay, in terms of my mood, has truly changed my life.  The weather is a prime example of how much one’s mood can easily be effected by something so natural and normal.  It’s also nice to be away from a set culture that I was clearly losing interest in after 6 years.  However, as you can see from me updating this blog, my personal life hasn’t changed much.  I’m still single, still experiencing interesting things, and still in limbo with life.

In terms of friendships, I’ve definitely filtered out some people that I’ve been yearning to take a breather from.  As much as I love my Chicago friends, I needed a break.  Their risk adverse personalities began to drive me insane and I needed something new.  I started to feel claustrophobic.  Since coming back, me and thebusdriver as well as darla have been going out almost every weekend for literally 2 months straight.  It was intense and way more entertainment than I had expected.   I was getting wasted almost every weekend and also driving home from SF to fremont every night.  Bad idea.  I even almost got a DUI one night because I was swerving on the highway while I was texting at 3am.  What a fucking ritard I was.  Luckily I passed all 3 tests given to me.  I could easily say it was one of the most frightening moments of my life where I realized at any second, everything could change.  Thankfully I learned my lesson and avoid doing stupid things like that moving forward.  Either way, going out has been a blast.  In many ways, I’ve learned more about the dynamics of being in a real friendship where there are no holds barred.  Literally.  Our personalities mixed together results to a completely nuclear outcome that create incredible yet sometimes tragic stories.  Either way, memories are made and laughter is created at a nearly consistent level.  Oh well, I’m 24, right?  How long can I get away with this before I have to grow up?

In terms of girls, shit hasn’t changed yet.  I’m still as awkward, insecure, completely clueless, and picky as always.  SF is a different animal.  People seem to be more cliqy and the girls are definetely more attractive then I’m used to.  Thus, you get stuck in a position where you feel like either you’re not good enough, or you’re better than everyone else.  Either way, it’s an unhealthy and ridiculous position to be in.  Unfortunately, my experiences have been sub par to say the least.  From the experiences I remember, I’ve been getting owned to the max by choosing girls that all happen to have boyfriends.  People are fucking all about settling down here and it totally blows.  Everytime I’ve spotted someone interesting or attractive, they end up having a boyfriend.  Even at work, it’s something I still need to get used to.  Coming from the agency life, where the entry level workforce was equivalent to a study abroad group or co-ed fraternity, made it hard to adjust to working for a publisher, where the age groups of co-workers are less segmented.  No longer were there groups of out of college, naive, and wide eyed girls willing to hit up happy hours to build friendships because they were “new to the city.”  Instead, newlyweds, long term relationships, and mounds of extra curricular activities took over the lives of my peers.

Shit’s different now.  I found myself reconnecting with the past more than discovering the future.  I guess that’s what moving back does to people.  But it’s nice.  Parts of it works for me; as I’m more mellow now and tend to prefer being outdoors over huddling near my computer.  The thing is, I still don’t have an eager drive to want to find someone.  It also comes both ways, Ias I have yet to experience someone coming toward me instead of the other way around.  The pain comes from knowing exactly what I want and knowing it’s not easily accessible.  On top of that, fearful of settling for less….even if it will take me several years to find it.  I’ve been through enough experiences to be able to draw a clearcut picture of what I want.  Even when my mom tries to throw in a few candidates I still raise my voice at her and say, “you know what kind I go for, I’ve been so clear, how can you be so off?”

Love is rough though; but I’ve grown to become envious of it.  Coming back from a wedding a few weeks ago in Chicago, I rediscovered my pursuit for real love.  This was witnessed in the raw energy from both the bride and groom.  The wedding was real; unlike the previous wedding I attended where I felt like the wedding planner was more inline with the festivities than the bride and groom.  This wedding was modest, shameless, and picture perfect in every way.  A room filled with 80 of their closest friends and family left it feeling intimate.  No longer was the bride walking around performing photo-ops to the point where she was too busy to talk and have real conversations.  Instead, she was genuine, stopping to converse with me about old times and laugh about inside jokes.  My ex co-worker, whom I befriended the 2nd week of work is a true gem and deserves the best from this marriage.  They had both met each other on match.com.  Jokes aside, it worked, and they became completely immersed in each others lives in a quick 6 months.  The man knew what he wanted.  He married her in barely a year.  That’s love.  That immediate feeling of “I NEED TO HAVE HER IN MY LIFE.”  That’s what I yearn for.  Throughout the wedding, stories were told about the most minor details of their relationship.  They pay attention to each other and most importantly, they sacrificed a lot for each other.  That was very meaningful to me.

It ended up making me feel amateur.

So in the meantime, I’m cleaning up my shit right now.  I have everything I need to be close to living a picture perfect life: an awesome job, a good family, my first very own car, and solid friends.  However, I know there’s more and that this is just one of those years where I re-organize; much like moving around furniture or cleaning your closet.