damn

i’ve been thinking a lot about how i’ve resisted promiscuity for most of my life due to fear of slut-shaming. for a woman that indulges in misogynistic behavior frequently, i still identify as a feminist. full disclosure–i threw dollar bills at naked girls this weekend, but similar to how some christians fuck before marriage, i have moments in which i am a bad feminist. but believe me, my heart is in the right place. i believe in giving women the same privileges as men, which includes the luxury of allowing women to feel okay to, well, be a slut.

my decision to keep my legs shut for most of my adult life originates from having the majority of my teen years and early twenties revolving around boys. if i was single for a split second, i would have a crush, and after a few months, that very boy would always fall head over heels for me. sometimes he was a jerk, but he always fell in love with my quirky ways. i also ruined a few lives too, but hey, that’s life. because i was always in love, and always had someone loving me back, i constantly thought about marriage. i also had a lot of guy friends that would fuck a bunch of random girls that they deemed disposable, but would chase after seemingly angelic women.

because i was just *so* sure that i would be the perfect little wifey one day, i thought that i should always behave in a wifely manner out of respect for my future husband. this was, of course, only inclusive of my sexual habits, but i happily indulged in a ton of drinking, dancing on tables and other unmentionables. i feared that my conservative (which, at times, is synonymous for brainless) friends would judge me, and that no good man would marry me if i had more than XYZ sexual partners.

and you know what? after finally experiencing non-committal sex this summer, i realized something: i don’t want to marry a man that’s going to judge my sexual history, because that means he’s an asshole with values that i wouldn’t want to raise my future daughter with anyway. besides, any man that’s going to avoid dating me because i chose to experiment with my sexuality is going to miss out on the moves i’m learning on my little sexual adventure. so, hypothetical asshole, enjoy having missionary sex for the rest of your life.

another thing i realized: i don’t actually care about getting married; i care about having children. thankfully, with modern technology and the progressive culture of new york and san francisco, i can now have and raise children, SANS A MAN! yes, i’m serious. if by 35, i don’t find someone awesome to get hitched to, i’ll go to a sperm bank and be a single mother. or maybe i can do this at 28, if i feel like it. this is the beauty of being single. i can do whatever the fuck i want.

i am completely confident of my ability to raise a child with fantastic, progressive values. i won’t be worried about finances or the pressures of not having a second income. my industry doesn’t pay poorly, and i work damn hard, and if i ever feel like i don’t want to work, thank god for the fact that my parents aren’t poor and love children too.

i find the whore/housewife dichotomy unfair, and i will raise my daughter to believe that she can do or be whatever she wants, within reason. i will give her books, encourage her to watch shows, and teach her to paint images that will challenge the male gaze. i will raise my son to respect women and their choices, and to defend his sister if she engages in activities that aren’t deemed ladylike. if my son is gay, i will still love him, and will remind him that he is still very much a man, even if he loves men or expresses sensitivity. i will teach by example, and will continue to be the opinionated, but kind and nurturing person that i am.

another thing i want to say: LADIES, DON’T GET MARRIED BECAUSE YOU DON’T WANT TO WORK ANYMORE. CHOOSE A NEW PROFESSION, BECAUSE, GOD FORBID, IF YOU GOT FAT OR UGLY, YOUR HUSBAND WILL LEAVE YOU, AND YOU WILL BE PENNILESS DIVORCEE, AND CERTAINLY NOT THE FUN TYPE THAT’S ON BRAVO’S REALITY SHOWS. being self-sufficient is empowering and fucking awesome. and if it is your life choice to be a housewife, do not–i repeat DO NOT–sign a pre-nup, cuz you deserve 50% since your ex-husband certainly didn’t amass his fortune without your support.

and this sums up my thoughts from july until now. the end.